I am still dealing with a lot of emotions that came as a result of Samuel's cesarean. I didn't realize how extremely unhappy I truly was with it all until I became pregnant with Joseph and the thoughts of having to experience it all over again were so uneasy to think about. I have done some research on cesarean depression and it is very common, but not at all commonly talked about. I'm having a hard time sorting through all of these emotions. I found a great website that simply lists the possible emotions you might feel after a cesarean, and I have all of them. That is of course, one of many steps at actually being able to move on. It's a start, and I feel like I still have a long road to go.
I pray that this next attempted delivery will be nothing like Samuel's. I am doing everything that is within my control at making it so that it does not bear any resemblance to my first. The Lord only knows what's in store, but I pray that I will be as prepared as possible for the possibility of another cesarean if that should be necessary.
Here are the possible emotions a woman can experience after a cesarean from the website: www.caesareanbirth.com.
Anger & Resentment: It´s perfectly normal to feel angry after the fact. You may be angry at yourself, angry at your doctor, or angry at the nurses. You may resent the fact that the chain of events occurred like they did. You may resent your doctor for performing the procedure, or the nurses for being there.
Disappointment & Sadness: It´s perfectly normal to feel disappointed about having a cesarean. You may feel as though you failed because you were unable to have a vaginal birth. You may feel disappointed and sad because you didn't get to experience pushing, or watching the baby's head crown.
Guilt: Guilt is a common emotion after having a cesarean. You may feel as though you must have done something wrong during pregnancy or labor to end up needing a cesarean. You may feel guilty because you couldn't control the circumstances surrounding your cesarean.
Regret: It is common to feel regret about having a cesarean. You may regret not being able to labor a little bit longer. If you feel as though your cesarean was unnecessary, you may regret not having said no, or asking more questions.
Inadequacy: Feelings of inadequacy after having a cesarean are normal. You may feel inadequate as a mother, or as a woman since you were unable to delivery vaginally.