Knowing Is Half the Battle

It's been an amazing experience having 2 little boys under 2. What a joy it is to be a mother. I am so grateful to have these two children. I would love to say that the past 3 months have been a piece of cake, but we all know that's not the truth. Having kids is not easy, but it's always a blessing. What has made these last 3 months difficult has nothing to do with the boys. They have both been so easy to love and take care of. It's been an issue of mine that has caused them to be less than ideal.

Something I wish I would have learned before I gave birth...DON'T PUSH unless your body is telling you to do so!!!

I have anal fissures, and let me tell you friends, they are practically the worst pain I have ever felt. I would give birth in a second if it meant that I didn't have to experience these any longer. I am convinced they are there because I pushed when I should not have. Once I hit 10 cm dilated, I was told I could start pushing. I did not feel the need to whatsoever but I did anyways. I was having very strong contractions but pushing did not come natural to me whatsoever! I continued to push. I knew the longer this baby was in me, the more of a chance he had of going into stress, which made me stress, so I pushed even harder. I pushed for over 2 hours. He was not ready to come out yet. I was forcing something that was not ready. And, now I have some SERIOUS pain to show for it.

They say anal fissures can take up to several weeks to heal, but some never do. I've reached the point where they feel like they are almost totally healed and then the next day, no way. I've gotta face reality soon and go to the doctor!

I had told Penny, my midwife, that pushing was my biggest fear. I did not want to blow the baby out. I wanted to take things nice and slow and prevent any tearing if possible. She totally understood. But, then it seemed like once I heard the word "push" I freaked out. My upbeat attitude about it all went downhill fast. I felt like it was my time to shine, and I was failing miserably with each push that did not produce any visible results.

The half hearted pushes lasted way longer than I had imagined. I was torn between getting this baby out so that he did not have to endure life in the birthing canal for so long, and letting things take their own course as slow as that might have been. So, I pushed, but I never felt like I was pushing 'with all my might.' I was holding back, but I couldn't explain why.

Days after the birth I checked on another homebirther to see how her delivery went. Susana, over at Spirit-Led Birth had an amazing birth. She wrote about her thoughts on pushing here. I was shocked to hear about her lack of pushing. I was so envious of this concept.

I know it was nothing that anyone in the room said or did that made me feel like I had to get this baby out, or else, it was a self induced burden I was laying on myself.

Lessons learned, I suppose. I will sure know better next time. My advice for whatever it's worth friends, if you aren't ready to push, don't! It's not ready to happen quite yet, and when it's suppose to happen, they say you can't do anything to stop it, your body just does it! Hopefully next time, that will be my experience!

As my husband says "Now you know, and knowing is half the battle."